But I most certainly wouldn’t have told you about the squabbling, bickering, and – occasionally – the serious, emotionally exhausting arguments that come about when you spend the rest of your life with your one true love. 

Conflict is an inevitable part of any marriage. There will be plenty of days when you can’t believe your luck that the perfect man or woman has agreed to love and cherish you for the rest of their lives. But there will be some days when you want to bang their head against a brick wall and spend a few weeks in therapy. 

So here, I’m going to tell you about some of the most effective strategies I’ve found for navigating conflict in my marriage, and how they can apply to yours too.

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What Kind of Arguing?

But before I can tell you about those three strategies, I would first like to give you a quick lesson on the most common types of arguments you are likely to encounter; some of these may be familiar.

Spats

These are mostly insignificant. They’re the tiny, annoying, throwaway squabbles that you forget about after about five minutes. These are often circumstantial and happen when we’ve taken a wrong turn in the car when we’re already running late, or when I’m getting ready for an event and require only absolute patience and carefully chosen compliments. 

Agreeable Disagreements

The best kind of arguments, in my humble opinion. Those where you can disagree, make your opinions known, and talk it through, only to realise that two people can’t agree on everything. Congratulations, you’ve found something that you disagree on and just left it at that!

Mudslinging

Now we’re talking. You’re in the middle of an argument, probably backed into a corner, and the only way out of it is to deflect by finding fault in your partner – likely in an unrelated area that’s been annoying you on the back burner. As a result, you’ve just ruled out the possibility that cooler heads can prevail. 

Slow Burn

These are the most dangerous fights. When an issue isn’t communicated, it simmers and bubbles for weeks, months, or even years. This can lead to resentment in the medium to long term, which can corrode a marriage from the inside. 

When my husband and I started to get serious about our relationship, he had to move over to the UK from another country. This meant we had to endure the stressful process of getting a spouse visa in the UK. I had to remind myself throughout the entire stop-start process that it wasn’t his fault, even if our lives would’ve been an awful lot easier. What could’ve easily been one of the more uncertain periods of our relationship ended up actually strengthening it, as our mutual determination to achieve the same goal was finally realised in the end.

So while some trouble is inevitable, it’s important to distinguish between the kinds of trouble we’re dealing with. We’re all human, so now and then a debate can devolve into an argument, which can then further devolve into mudslinging. Nobody’s perfect, and we’re all prone to saying the wrong thing in the heat of the moment. Maybe some of us more than others. So, let’s take a look at some of the strategies you can use to prevent arguments from escalating to the point of no return.

Use a ‘When; I Need; Can We?” Statement

This is a very simple one. When you’re articulating your point of view, focus on describing the situation, its impact, and the change you want. Here’s an example: When you add something to the calendar on either the day of the event or the day before, there’s a good chance that I’m not prepared. I need earlier notice, so can we agree to add plans to the calendar sooner?

This structure focuses the conversation on the practical elements of the debate, rather than veering off on tangents or looking for holes to pick in your opponent. Give one single example, instead of listing every past problem, and try to repeat the same structure for their concerns too. This way, you’ll have an easier time identifying what needs to change.

Giving the Floor

During smaller, manageable arguments, my husband and I have recently adopted a method we call ‘giving the floor’, in which one of us gives the other the time and freedom to completely make their point without a single interruption, no matter how tempting it is to chime in, and no matter how long it takes. My husband has earned the right to have his day in court. 

It reminds me of the strategy used by teachers in class, when the only person who can speak is the one holding a ball. Give each other the time to articulate your feelings and genuinely listen to them. Don’t just use the time to manufacture a counterargument. It’s also worth pointing out that this framework requires a heck of a lot of trust: specifically, trust to be open-minded to the other person’s point of view, and that they won’t just use their time to railroad you and fault you for listening when you have the floor. But so far, it’s been working. There have been times when he’s changed my mind and slightly more times that I’ve managed to change him (not that I’m counting). 

Turn Positions Into Options

When you’re both being stubborn and refusing to budge, try asking each other to name three things that they need from the outcome. This will separate the essential things that are required by each party from mere preferences. When the needs are visible to both of you, you can come up with three possible arrangements that can 

When two people are stuck on different demands, ask each person to name three things they need from the outcome. Then separate essential needs from preferences. For example, one employee may need a firm deadline while another needs flexibility over the working process. Once the underlying needs are visible, generate three possible arrangements before choosing one. Write the options down and compare them against the needs already identified. This prevents the conversation from becoming a contest over who gets their preferred solution. Choose the option that addresses the most important needs, then define exactly who will do what and by when.

Conclusion

They say ‘pressure makes diamonds’, but I’m not really in the mood to be subjected to 725,000 psi. Marriages are hard because life is hard and people are flawed. No matter how good your marriage may be, arguments will happen – especially through high-stress periods, like when my husband was trying to get his spouse visa in the UK. Remember to have fun and be silly together. Be best friends and know you don’t always need to be right. Well, most of the time, at least.

The post Improve Your Arguing: 3 Tips to Guide Conflict to a Satisfying Resolution appeared first on Female Essential.